


I Don't Ever Think I Can Ever Learn How To Love You Right

by IcyEarth (NovisMusica)



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Author Projecting onto Juno Steel, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Juno Steel Needs a Hug, Junoverse | Juno Steel Universe, M/M, Other, Past Abuse, Toxic Relationships, cuz juno, dark!nureyev, he was a condesending ahole that undermined junos intelligence, juno healing (tm) but not in the conventional way, peter treated juno like SHIT and the fandom ignores it, this is me not ignoring it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovisMusica/pseuds/IcyEarth
Summary: All the ways that you won't bendAre the only ways I live my life
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, but it isn't.. healthy, mentioned buddy/vespa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	I Don't Ever Think I Can Ever Learn How To Love You Right

**Author's Note:**

> The song is Tribulation by Matt Maeson, if I need to bump the rating tell me. This is a really personal fic, and while it may not be 100% canon compliant, I would appreciate it if the critism was kept kind.

_‘Darling, can't you see_

_I'm a broken man_

_With addictive tendencies_

_And I think I love you_

_But I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love just right’_

Rex Glass left him. Of fucking course he did, everyone does. He deserves it. Rita’s the only one that can’t seem to figure that out, but she will one day.

Except he _isn’t_ Rex Glass. He’s Peter Nureyev. Not that it matters, he’s gone regardless of what his name is. He’s gone he’s gone he’s gone but Juno wants. Wants him to come back, wants to be loved by him, wants to be better.

Juno stands in his study because he won’t let himself sit down and drinks whiskey because he’s quit everything stronger, and he, more than anything else, wants.

_‘So run away from me_

_Run as far as your_

_Dark brown eyes can see’_

Peter Nureyev is sitting. More specifically, he’s sitting on Juno’s couch, poised like something about to pounce and looking down right predatory. He tells Juno a train is the prey, but Juno isn’t that stupid. Juno is always the prey.

Peter Nureyev puts Juno in harm’s way over and over again, while denying he’s doing it at all. He gets Juno tortured, leaves him, and still expects Juno to follow him.

So Juno tries something new. He leaves Peter Nureyev in a hotel room with nothing but broken promises and broken trust. It doesn’t feel nearly as good as he thought it would.

_‘Just as soon as you know_

_That I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love you right_

_Oh and all the ways that you won't bend_

_Are the only ways I live my life’_

After the mission, after he rips himself a new one and Buddy tries kindness to help him instead of cruelty, he walks to Nureyev’s room. He apologizes, because that’s what he does now. He waits for Nureyev to apologize in turn, apologize for condescending to him, for hurting him, for the times he left.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he gets asked to spend the night. Juno doesn’t want to say yes but he doesn’t deserve to say no.

He says yes.

_‘Oh and I'm trying to crawl up_

_And burn just right_

_Oh and I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love you right’_

They’re… in a relationship now. A real, actual relationship. It is, hands down, the weirdest relationship Juno’s ever been in. He isn’t cruel to him in the way Diamond was, but that certainly doesn’t make him kind. He treats Juno like he’s an idiot, which, Juno supposes, he is. Juno’s working on that, though. Trying to be nicer to himself. Half the time in feels like Peter’s helping and the other half the time it feels like he’s part of the problem.

Peter doesn’t wake up when Juno has nightmares, so that’s good, at least.

_‘Darling, can't you see_

_I'm a broken man_

_With addictive tendencies_

_And I think I love you_

_But I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love just right’_

Nureyev breaks his leg and it’s horrible, to see someone Juno maybe might love in pain. Then the ship crashes and everything is horrible, because he feels useless all the time and everyone is in pain and he can’t do _anything_ about it.

For a handful of hours and change, he doesn't feel useless and it’s exhilarating. Nureyev isn’t really treating him like a child anymore and it makes Juno want to cry he’s so happy. That might just be because Nureyev is relying on him for everything, but Juno will take it.

_‘So run away from me_

_Run as far as your_

_Dark brown eyes can see’_

Nureyev didn’t fucking love him. It was all fake! It was rouse to steal enough to get out of debt. And he’s gone. Buddy and Vespa want to go after him, but they’re tired. Jet stays with them at the Lighthouse and the wedding is beautiful.

So here Rita and Juno are, yet again, trying to make it work in Hyperion while Juno tries not to lose it. Nureyev might not even be his real name after all. How deep do the lies go? He’d seen it in his head, but thoughts are worthless. Juno can’t afford to think about it, he’s working a case and he’s on the edge of a breakdown.

_‘Just as soon as you know_

_That I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love you right_

_Oh and all the ways you won't bend_

_Are the only ways I live my life’_

Whoever He Is shows up on his doorstep, crying. Juno doesn’t want to let him in. But he has to, this is the way it goes. Juno lets bad people into his life over and over again so they can hurt him and then they leave. He is no different, just another name on the long list of people that hurt Juno.

He sleeps in Juno’s bed and eats Juno’s food, but he doesn’t offer up a single apology. He tries to kiss Juno and for a moment, Juno considers punching him.

_‘Oh and I'm trying to crawl up_

_And burn just right_

_Oh and I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love you right’_

Instead Juno tells him to leave. He says that if he leaves he’ll die, so Juno writes down the names and phone numbers of three local homeless shelters and a hotel, gives him two hundred dollars cash, and tells him to leave.

He tells Juno he’s just hurting himself, that he’ll regret it, that he needs more people in his life beside Rita. He’s right, of course.

_‘I think I'm better on my own_

_But I get so lost in you_

_I think I'm better on my own_

_But I'm so obsessed with you’_

He tells Juno he loves him. Juno gets so close to punching him, then. Square in the jaw. Not hard, not hard enough to break skin. Just hard enough to tell him to get lost. Instead, Juno says he’ll call the cops. He flips a rude hand gesture as he leaves. Juno takes a snapshot of the moment to dream about, if he ever sleeps again.

_‘I think I'm better on my own_

_But I get so lost in you_

_I think I'm better on my own_

_But I'm so obsessed with you’_

Two years later, Juno runs into him waiting tables at a niceish diner in uptown. Juno’s meeting a client for lunch to discuss what Juno’s found it’s partner in doing in private. He serves them both coffee with a smile, and slips Juno a napkin asking him to meet in the alley in ten minutes.

Juno doesn’t go.

_‘And I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love you right_

_Oh and all the ways you won't bend_

_Are the only ways I live my life’_

But Juno’s therapist tells him that it’s obvious Juno’s still in love with… Nureyev, was never actually out of love, and if Juno feels ready maybe they should have a conversation.

They end up kissing in the alley behind the diner, and it’s weird. But whereas before everything was weird in a vaguely uncomfortable way, this is good weird. They go on eight more dates before Juno goes back to Nureyev’s place. He’s running a long con on a small local celebrity, and he lies to Juno a total of thirty one times in one night.

_‘Oh and I'm trying to crawl up_

_And burn just right_

_Oh and I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love you right_

_And I don't ever think I can_

_Love you right’_

Nureyev falls into old habits. Tells Juno off for assuming the obvious, puts Juno in situations that make him uncomfortable. It lasts four months before Juno gives up the ghost and calls it quits for the last time.

_‘Oh, and I don't ever think I can_

_Ever learn how to love you right’_

Juno still goes to his funeral, though.


End file.
